“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
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Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I love wikipedia
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss