Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
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The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I’m calling the cops.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer