I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”