Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.