Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
who did the taste test?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Its true…
I have a black belt in leather
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.