Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Self-cleaning conscience
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?