went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
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warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
The Sun
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight