My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.