“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
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there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.