If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
i now pronounce you bounced.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!