When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD