I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
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“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”