I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I get distracted pretty eas
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.