[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
*limbos away from your hug*
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go