*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
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can’t talk my ride’s here
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Netflix and you sit over there.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise