me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
You Might Also Like
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
They also CAN sing✌️
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Some people were born into their job.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters