6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
You Might Also Like
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
23. the denim jacket
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
is this store having a stroke wtf
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?