8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Planet of the Apps.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.