Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
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Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”