*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
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C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
termite twitter scares me
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist