Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
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Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door