Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.