Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
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[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
mom had nothing to worry about
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.