I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.