Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
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ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The first matador
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Encore…
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent