All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
found this cool rock hiking today
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I’m crying im so happy for them
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*