what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
BaD BoY!!
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”