Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
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This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.