FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
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that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My time has come.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical