my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
You Might Also Like
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time