Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
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IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter