The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
You Might Also Like
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…