Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*