If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Bro what is this
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively