These dogs look like they have good credit.
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My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
OMG 🤣🤣
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.