Salad is the decaf of food.
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[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me