My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.