i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
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People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?