*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”