waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.