[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
You Might Also Like
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
*pronounces UPS like yoops
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified