Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR