Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
catch me on valentine’s day like
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes