detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary