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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
smartest karate player in the world
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant