[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Okay me first
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”