People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x