*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally