Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
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Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Brands during Pride
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE