According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*